Dancing Through the Panic
In this collection Wendy Robertson takes the reader on a creative journey through the peaks and troughs of depression. Mindometry: States of mind How do I know what I mean till I see what I say? I have experienced the blight of so-called Low Mood three times in my life. The first was when I was fourteen. Nobody noticed this in a busy self-involved household and a busy exam-oriented school. The second time was when for twenty years I'd been a teacher and a lecturer, combining that with writing fiction - as well as a mother, wife and householder after the first two years. This second time it was noticed. I had a very good GP who convinced me that medication could help with what was basically 'a chemical imbalance'. I helped myself by adjusting my work/life balance, especially by moving onto full time writing and, after eighteen months had passed, I was more of less back to normal and taking no medication. Twenty years on, during this last winter I've had another spell of this destructive 'Low Mood' thing, plunging into that well remembered darkness when I wasn't looking.(Light is clearly important to my mental welfare.) This time again I had an excellent GP who recommended medication and some (very good) counselling. The chemicals are doing their work. The good counsellor has helped me draw logical lines through the chaos in my mind. She also showed a real interest in the way that I, as a writer, viewed and was affected by my reactions to this low mood As I go through my life I have always kept a constant notebook, scribbling ideas, lines, observations, sketches day by day. It has always been so. And these days my notebook is being shaped by my difficult journey through this phase of Low Mood, to the point when I may be able to see a way through. Then, with the help of the good counsellor I've been enabled to make sense of what might seem to be an incoherent verbal chaos in my mind: to focus on what it all meant. Working on and clarifying the words on the page has meant that I could focus on and clarify the meaning of what I was going through and give it some shape. This process, with the pills and the benevolent people, is showing me the way back to the steady state of mind that I need to cope with my life. I have ended up with this collection of developed writing - some from the recent episodes, some from earlier constant notebooks reflecting the same feeling. Again I say, How do I know what I mean till I see what I say?