I'm Not Ill - I'm Only Dying!
BORN ON 18TH MARCH 1946, my husband, Douglas Clifford Sullivan was diagnosed with non-small cell carcinoma of the right bronchus on 5th February 1998. This book tells the story of how he managed his illness from this date through to his death on 26th April 2002, aged 56. Doug battled with cancer for four and a half years, and did so with courage, determination, good humour and a resolve that nothing would interfere with his zest for life, however short that life might be. Over this period of time I decided to make notes in the form of a diary. Knowing Doug as I did for thirty-three years, I knew there would be an inspiring story to tell, but at this point I wasn't sure just how I was going to cope with the situation myself. Therefore I have included my own personal thoughts and feelings in addition to his own experiences, in the hope that this would perhaps enable me to come to terms with the reality that I may lose him at some point, and also empower me with suffi cient strength of mind so that I would be better equipped to support him over the coming weeks, months and hopefully years. Although Doug knew what I was doing, he never asked to see what I had written. He always encouraged me when I wrote poetry and was keen to read it, but I think this time he probably didn't wish to intrude on my personal, innermost thoughts on such an emotive issue. All who knew him, and there were a great many, stood in awe of the man who, despite enduring periods of treatment- induced sickness and discomfort, still managed to continue to work full time, crack a joke and sink a pint or two at the same time! Every day was precious and no matter how he felt he was grateful for it and was determined to enjoy it. His journey was every bit as much one for me and his family who were right there at the sharp end with him, and when he fi nally succumbed to this disease, despite the expected mixture of highly emotional feelings of grief, anger, disbelief etc. we all felt privileged in a strange sort of way to have been part of that journey, and so grateful for the valuable lessons he had taught us along the way. Yes! there were tears at times, utter frustration and feelings of worthlessness, even desperate attempts to search alternative avenues for a cure, but as you will see as the chapters unfold there was also laughter, attributable of course to Doug's wonderful sense of fun (sometimes bordering on the bizarre!) and his ability to dig deep enough and fi nd an element of humour under the most gruelling circumstances. In order to gain insight into the very essence of this special man, it is necessary to take the story back to the beginning when we first met, followed by the years spent rearing a family. The first three chapters are therefore devoted to this period in our lives. I hope this book may perhaps be a source of comfort and encouragement to cancer victims and their loved ones, Doug's legacy to those currently living with it and to those who will have to live with it in the future.