The Stuporwoman Files

Newspaper humor columnist, public speaker, and playwright Monica Lewis' laugh-out-loud observations on motherhood, relationships, balancing work and family, and the quirks of everyday life, hit home on every page.

On knowing you're too old to have a baby: "You know you're too old when, to you, a period is just something that goes at the end of a sentence."

On the irony of giving your kids a time-out: "Most parents would love the luxury of taking an hour to just sit in our rooms. Hell, I'd even sit in the corner if it meant a moment or two of peace and quiet."

On helping your child with math homework: "I'm hopeless at math. For me, Cardinal Numbers are the amount of red birds on the tree outside my bedroom window."

On Santa Claus: "If Santa was a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the store bag."

On Not Cleaning the Refrigerator: "If food were human, I'd be considered a slumlord."